The Stereotyped Dinings!....

Mrs. & Mr. Bala,
You have been invited for dinner
on
15th October 2008
Time: 8 PM
Venue: #3, Krishna
- Mrs & Mr Jain

"You have been invited for dinner".. Will you say no? Neither did I...

It was hardly a month after my wedding & hardly had spent a few days in Mumbai, when my husband came home after work & gave me this small invitation card. I was totally surprised to see an invitation card for Dinner!.. The moment i saw the card, I started nagging my husband, "Do you guys invite each other like this??", "Too much!!", "Why would they print a card for dinner?", "Is he some big shot kind??", "Do we also have to print cards like this in case we invite ppl for dinner?", "How many did he invite?, How many did he print?".... so on & on..... Got tired with my non-stop non-sense questions, my husband replied that senior officers will invite their juniors this way & its optional to print those cards & "Be prepared tomorrow evening!"....



Having purchased so many sarees during my wedding, i decided to wear a pattu saree for the occasion! :-) This being the very first outing for me in Mumbai I was too much excited!! So the next day i cooked lesser than usual ;-), had a hair wash, selected a saree, pressed it, selected matching imitation jewellery etc., etc... Once my husband was back home, i was almost ready! Time was just 6 PM & i was fully dressed up!!.. (I wasnt this excited even on my wedding.. & I was the last one to enter the hall on my engagement after a day long toiling in my parlour!)



Slowly my husband got ready as there was 2 hours more.. As for myself, I was adjusting my saree, my hairstyle, my makeover etc as & when I crossed the mirror.. Tired of what I was doing & also with a little panic that I might tend to change the saree or something at the last moment, cleverly my husband said that we would better start..! Though the time was just 7, we pushed off to their place.. On the way he remembered that we should give them a bouquet & diverted to a bouquet vendor.. Quickly we selected one & off we drove to the Jain's residence...



The Jains had invited a few more officers like Bala, but they were all bachelors & we were the only couple.. It was just 7.20PM when we arrived there.. Very much on-time!!! 40 minutes before & we were the first to reach as well.. :-) After handing over the bouquet to Mrs.Jain, I sat in one comfortable couch adjusting my saree now n then..



After some 15 minutes, the remaining gang of bachelors arrived.. Mr.Jain then got up & asked me first if i would need some 'drinks' (defence men respect other officer's wives first & that too the youngest one among the crowd!!) He had actually asked me about hot drinks.. But then i being so naive, couldnt really understand what he meant.. My husband came to my rescue & confessed that I am 'teetotaller'.. What the heck!!!... (Obviously I am!) Finally I settled with a glass of mango juice & some small-eats... Time was 8PM..



Then came the round of hot drinks! I have now left concentrating on my plate & was seriously eyeing what my husband was doing.. He too was eyeing me now n then & then happily settled with 2 glasses of his favourite drink.. In the Jain's house there were only 2 teetotallers at that stage. The other person apart from me was another bachelor officer, a slim, short & fair guy (as white as a plain sheet!). I learnt that he has just joined & he has not tasted any of these yet.. But the bachelor gang were not jobless enough to spare him.. So the game or rather the ritual of "Aur peeyo...." started for him... Meanwhile i felt that my hunger devil was back into action.. So i kept nibbling at the small-eats like pakoras, chips, fried peanuts etc etc etc! So many to name even.. Whatever you may say, my hunger was at its peak & i couldnt cheat it by feeding these small-eats!



It was almost 9.30 PM & suddenly Mr.Jain said "CHEERS!!"... Obviously I got startled not just because of the shrill voice i heard, but the entire audience, including my husband were watching me rather staring at me.. Why? Anything funny on me?? I looked at my dear husband... He was half smiling & indicated that i should now drop those nasty pakoras & pick up my mango juice & raise it high like the rest... How will i know!!? I thought only hot-drinkers should join.. Never ever knew that mango-juicers can join too!.. Poor me!! So i slowly raised & before that, ppl have started tasting their drinks!! hmmmm.....!



The round of drinks was served for the next hour and a half!.. Time 11PM...! I have seriously not in my entire life crossed my dinner time more than 10PM...! Drinks & heavy work related discussions were going on... It seemed that noone had the slightest idea of atleast checking out what was going to be served for dinner.. Also i couldnt smell any cooking inside.. Moreover Mrs Jain was also seated right beside me. Yeah you are right! I was also thinking the same.. I didnt see her move from her place right from the time we came.. I was very seriously thinking whether she had cooked anything for us! :-(

Meanwhile these bachelor guys & the married men were all laughing & were talking in Hindi man! AGAIN!.. My husband used to look at me & ask me in Hindi if i were able to follow any of those they spoke.. I too gave him a stern look - a warning signal which meant:

1. Is it that important for me?? I am damn hungry man!
2. Now why do you want to ask me in front of all in a language that they too understand?! Why cant you ask in Tamil instead???!!
3. Have we come here for dinner or something else? Will they serve us dinner or can we leave soon? PLEASE!!

My husband was least bothered about my look!! He started explaining what they all just spoke & laughed... He was by the way explaining to me in Hindi & English..! And i had to put up & listen with a false smile.. My hunger moaning turned out into a legal pain right now.. TIME 11.45PM!!

GOD!...

Now suddenly i turned towards the other teetotaller who was sitting opposite to me.. He was looking at the ceiling! What was he gaping at!!! I then looked at my husband.. He was on his third drink & on a serious discussion about some engine!!! I was going to faint for sure! Suddenly my nostrils caught up some ghee melting aroma.. Heaven!! But wait... What?? Are they cooking now?? Who is cooking??? When will i ever get to see the cooked dishes?? Will i faint before that happens? I came to know that Mrs Jain had already finished cooking before we came & the reheating process was going on..! Seriously i tell you, one must be a saint or you should have had a small dine-out before you go for dinner to these officer's place!! I mean it!

TIME 12AM!.. The next day has started..! "Help yourselves!" I could hear Mrs & Mr Jain inviting us all with profound happiness to the dining hall! I dragged myself to the dining table.. I was least bothered about my saree right now! I didnt have energy to lift my plate even!.. Finally the most awaited dinner was served.. As they were Rajasthanis they served their typical Rajasthini food.. I didnt know what it was like, but i kept eating whatever was served. See there is one more disadvantage in this officer's dinner party.. Varieties of dishes will be served & in huge amounts which can neither be denied nor you can leave it back in your plates! Already you would be perturbed of the "very late" dinner timing, meanwhile you would have lost your hunger n appetite & cultivated a new pain due to which you wouldnt feel like eating..!! Teek hai! ;-) But continuosly yours plates will be refilled.. Mind it.. I was adjusting to a level.. But at the back of my mind I have decided.. "Am not going to eat more than what i feel like...!! Whatever, Whomever thinks!!" While eating too, these people were talking about their work & work pressure!.. GOD!

Suddenly i turned to my 'teetotaller-companion'.. He was laughing alone! What for?!! My GOD! His face which was snow white before was pinkish now as though he was blushing!! I slowly turned towards my husband & asked him to look at him.. On seeing him, my husband reported that this could be a little side-effect as he had drunk a lot the very first time!!.. Guys, he didnt stop laughing at any point of time!! And the most funniest part was he even noticed me looking at him surprised & was sharing the laugh with me! Already I was struggling to eat.. Now gone!! After I had seen him laughing like this, did the rest of the members present at the table realise...! He didnt speak but kept laughing alone... I felt sorry for him.. Suddenly he opened his mouth & said that whatever he was hearing around him was like that of 'echo' & he felt as though he is standing in a tourist spot called 'Echo Point' in Mahabaleshwar!!.. I wanted to give one thud on his head...! How was he able to speak like this even in such a crisis??!!!!

Finally my teetotaller gave up his laughing, blushing & also eating, & walked to the couch where he was first seated & dozed off! Enough of seeing those funny & slightly annoying moments, i decided to complete whatever I could & without looking at my husband, i 'closed' my plate! I could hear Mrs & Mr Jain asking me to eat more..., but i frankly said "Thank you! am done!".. I then went and started watching TV hopefully waiting for my husband to complete & start home.. TIME 12.45AM.. No way.. The rest of them in the table seemed to be heavily glued to their seats.. Finally the other devil in me - Sleep, came over & i could feel myself dozing off, hopefully giving company to my teetotaller who was already in his deepest dreams..!

TIME 1.10AM. I could here some movement in the dining hall & they had all finally decided to do justice to me!.. Once all of us were seated back in our respective couches, I was waiting for my husband to speak up to leave home.. I didnt know what he was waiting for when suddenly Mrs Jain came up with large bowls of home-made kulfis..! I was DEVASTATED!! You cannot speak up now, because this was not part of the dinner, this was the dessert! I couldnt eat any & i was playing with the spoon & cup & i could see that the kulfi had started melting already... I then decided to have one or two spoons & then leave it aside, when i saw Mr Jain now coming up with another set of kulfis - slightly different color!.. I was now confused!.. What kind of people are they??! Where they of a mindset that our mouths can themselves do instant digestion!??! GOD knows!! He came happily announcing that he had done these & those were done by his wife & wanted us to taste n tell which one was better!! Didnt these people have a better time to play? It was 1.30AM guys!! In next 5 minutes i was hopelessly playing with 2 sets of cups & spoons.. I tasted one spoon from this & one from that.. Thats it! Even GOD cannot help me eat after this.. I had a feel that my saree might tear anytime as my belly was getting bloated!!!

2AM guys!... Finally my husband & the other guys decided to leave the Jain's residence! I didnt know what i thought at that moment... But I SMILED!.......

The Stuffing & Gobbling Etiquette!

After 2 months of my married life, my hubby had a training somewhere near Pune & I planned to accompany him.. He, coming from the armed forces background, follows a stream of customs & protocols. But myself, though i am from the bon-ton, i love enjoying life to the fullest.. No rules! No decorums!

As officers mostly don't take their wives to these trainings, they do not usually provide houses with kitchen. But in our case, we just got married & i wanted to explore new places!! Not having a kitchen in your house has its positives & negatives..

Positives:
1. You need not cook!
2. You need not buy the groceries!
3. You need not wake up early to make breakfast!
4. You need not have a huge luggage piled up at the end of your trip!!

There are so many optimistic "need nots" man! But there was only one Negative that shot up on the first day & continued to have impact on me even after we left.. :-(

We had reached this place on a chilly night in early November last year.. After a long winding travel in car, we had no other option other than coil up ourselves in those cosy beds.. So my husband didn't have any time to brief up of my forthcoming ordeal..........


Breakfast was served at 8AM on all days in the officer-cum-family dining hall.. So we both were up at around 6.45 & had tough time with the heater, had bath, dressed up neatly & all set to go for the EVENT! Once we reached the place which was a 5 minute walk from our place, we found that we were the first couple standing with starved out bellies, but the dining hall was yet to be opened..!


After 15, 20 minutes someone came by & opened the hall... Probably he heard our hunger sound! Need not to tell, we pounced inside & what I saw in the hall was even more sorrowful in my case.. It was a buffet system.. Alright... Fine... I saw spoons, forks, knives & plates piled up in the first place.. I sensed that the breakfast was bread omelet! I had no other go.. I gathered some courage, went ahead, took out a plate & picked up 3 bread omelets.. My husband called me back & asked me to take a knife & fork along with the plate.. I was shocked! What the heck!? Why would i eat bread omelet using these instruments!! I very well can eat using my hands.. (Alright, lets try eating with them... I am not gonna waste a single second else my belly is gonna die!) Pat came the next call from my husband again.. "Take just one bread omelet. If u still need one more, go for it later." What? What?? I could see more officers in uniform, their wives, wailing & notorious kids walking inside the hall.. I didn't want to do injustice to my starved out body!

When i looked up at my husband i understood that i had 0% option to take a 2nd piece!.. I looked at him again with my eyes indicating towards the second piece.. I know! I am an understanding wife! So i could actually feel my husband's face growing red.. He was getting angry because:
(1) He was getting late for the training scheduled.
(2) There was a Q behind him waiting with equal hunger as us!
(3) The others who were seated in the table & those waiting were senior officers!!

By now actually i could feel that my hunger has half gone! May be it had decided to attack me at an exorbitant rate after my husband leaves!! Poor me... I followed my husband with that single divine khana to seat myself in the long dining table.. On seeing it i can remember one English movie. Yes guys! It resembled like that of what we have all seen in Titanic movie.. I was like the hero who had to sit with highly well-to-do people! My God! As these things were running at the back of my head, suddenly 2 officers almost got up from their seats and emphatically said "GOOD MORNING MA'M!!" Thats it! Gone! My Hunger!!!! Gone forever i believe!!! I almost dropped my plate & those funny instruments from my hand!!! They appeared in their middle age 40-some, but still they enjoyed calling me Ma'm! Do you know where my hunger was by now? It came right in front of me, gave me one tight slap & left me forever! :-(

After this, i tried hard to concentrate on how people were managing to eat with the fork & knife.. I turned to my husband... Gosh! His plate lied empty! He was done with his breakfast!! Was he going to leave me alone?? I havent touched my khana yet! Should i continue my eating stunts in front of these "respectful" officers?! My God! No way.....After my husband left giving me an assuring "i too can eat like him" kinda smile, I decided to wait for those officers to complete first.. Meanwhile i wanted to act & asked for a glass of milk as suggested by my husband to ask for "just one glass"... By the time the steward brought in the milk, these officers "excused" themselves & left the hall..

Shoot! I tried my hands on the fork & knife.. I held the fork in my left hand & knife in my right as my husband ate.. I held the fork tight onto the bread & cut using my knife.. No way, nothing got cut.. "Try and fail, but don't fail to try".. Yeah, so on the third or fourth try, my fork had picked up a shapeless piece of it & straight away gobbled it in a haste.. Same way i continued stuffing the rest of it.. By the time i finished eating, i could find a dim light around me... It was half past nine! The Steward Ganesh was closing all the window screens.. It seemed like a warning signal to me "Are you going to stop your stupid eating of just one bread omelet & leave this hall or shall i lock you in??".. Feeling embarassed, i decided not to go for another bread omelet as craved before & i brought the glass of milk closer to me. I saw 3 labeled similar looking containers saying "Tea", "sugar" & "coffee".. Ganesh instructed that the "tea" labeled container will have Bournvita kinda beverage.. As i strictly hate coffee & tea, i was relieved that something of my taste was there.. By then Ganesh has half closed the main door.. Time was nearing 9.40! He started talking something in Hindi to me, which i swear i didnt understand.. But i sensed that he is asking me to get out soon! So i opened the "tea" container & took a spoonful of it & a spoonful from the "sugar" & mixed them in my glass of milk.. I found some difference in it.. But unable to discover any, i sipped the milk & GOD! It was coffee! I couldnt drink any of it.. I could see that Ganesh was eyeing me from some corner.. Slowly I acted to sip.. I sipped some.. I wanted to spit it out.. By then some officer came inside to speak with Ganesh, didnt want to miss the chance, i quickly slipped the glass of coffee on the chair my husband sat & I left the hall once for all!!...

Way back home I was feeling heavy at heart! One and a half hour solid... just went away for eating a bread omelet..... My God... Still 3 months to go!

Ek Gaon Mey Ek Kisan Rahutha Tha.... Part 2

Though excited about the fact that am gonna be a Mumbaikar after my 23 successful years of being a pucca Chennaiite, deep inside i could feel the very tense of picking up this language! My first rehearsal of this language was with the Station Master at CST while my husband went to collect our huge trunk boxes from the brake van! I seriously dont know guys who started the conversation, but i found after some 20 mintues of non-stop chatter with him, i realised that we both were in deep conversation about both our families!!! In fact i was speaking with my English followed by a हे ! For eg., if i wanted to know where his family is, i would say, "your family kahan hai? yeah well wont i know words like kahan hai, acha hai, teek hai, etc etc?? :-)

Though my starting was not bad, i did really meet up with big problems when some carpenter, plumber, electrician etc., visit my house.. I used to mime, dance, sweat out & suffer before i could speak out what i wanted.... After so many of my ordeals, unable to bear my prattles, a carpenter who had not even one clean teeth had mockingly laughed at me, a maid who was only my waist height almost rolled & fell down laughing at my Hindi! I have heard this sentence immediately from them after their hearty laughs... "अच्छा .. आपको हिन्दी नही आ रहा है...!?" (Oh! Ok.. You dont know Hindi?!!)

Onions are called "pyaas" alias "kaandha".. How will I know for God's sake!!? I asked my maid to get them..
Me: "Onion leke aao shop se"...
Maid: "Kya? Kaandha??" I saw her lips bind after that word Kaandha... (I swear on God!)
Me: "Oh kya hai? Kaandham?"
The next moment i could see my maid at ground level only.. Because she had fallen down launghing as she heard me telling Kandhaa as Kaandham == (Which is nothing but) Condom!! I was embarassed!

Ek Gaon Mey Ek Kisan Rahutha Tha.... Part 1

This means.. I am learning Hindi! Good sign in my life..

Going back, I remember I had started learning the theoretical part of this very language when i was exactly in my 3rd std from an external tuition. Straight came the prathmic exam - the very first exam to write! I didn't know whether i studied अ to औ but a negative aspect attacked & rescued me outright! It was non other than TYPHOID, not just once, but twice!! Awesome motivation to dodge from my mom & my tutor (an old hindhi speaking Tamil iyer lady)... :-) Yeah it was awesome to side-step from my Hindhi exam, but not from my ever favourite juicy mangoes.. Anyways finally the next year i wrote my prathmic exam with the help of my neighbour akka who really tortured me to prepare.. I am still speculative of how i cleared the paper in 1st class.. But luckily i never went back to study the series of other Hindhi exams that followed prathmic..

But inside i always had a flair to speak Hindhi fluently.. I have seen one of my friends talking in hindhi @home though they are tamil by mom-tongue! Seriously i used to wonder why they would talk in front of me!! Was it to speak something that i shouldn't understand, like how my mom converses in English in front of maids...?! I still havent figured out the right solution for that incident.. Forget it..

Leave alone my friend.. My cousin & her mom n dad from South went to Gwalior for just 3 years & when we visited them, gosh... they were speaking those है है है kinda words... I even felt a rift in our relation!!!

In my school days i have learnt a bit of Hindhi as part of my III language, but still that too couldnt help me anyway.. Wait! I can fluently read & write becuse of the above mentioned training.. But i couldnt speak out fluently! Sad..

While i was in the MBA too i felt the same.. A few girls around me were again conversing in Hindhi & wat the heck... even my damn close friends were discussing about some Hindi serials like ओ रहने वाले महलों की, माथा की चोव्की etc etc... I really felt i was in a middle of some mug's-game! Safely i tried & joined a community called एक गॉंव मे एक किसान रहता था in orkut! Felt myself on a soothing & safer side!

When my wedding got fixed last year, i came to know that my husband is in Mumbai.. Initially i didn't realise the danger that am gonna face in less than 3 months as i was love-bitten @ first sight!! :-) Slowly i started sensing the trauma as my wedding dates were nearing & lo! behold! the actual crisis started once i stepped inside Chatrapathi Shivaji Terminus alias Victoria Terminus............................

Diaphanous - By Birth

March 4th '84 - Nice date to remember.. Yup its my Bday..
Simple guys.. Am a Piscean - a day dreamer by birth! i have dreamt of all non-sense right from the age i had the license to dream! :-) I get easily diverted & of course consequence of which i get carried away by what ppl say.. U can say i TRUST ppl whole heartedly!

Diaphanous... mmm.. i just got this word from one of my mails.. Meaning - vague or hazy.. Yeah i feel am one of those kind.. I hve never had a correct mindset.. Very wavery!.. yeah u can name that way. Anything i do or decide i have so many opinions or options..

Some days ago i called up my hubby, his phone was not reaching (as he works inside ship). I can swear i knew this concept even before our wedding! Meanwhile my devil's mind starts working. I keep on trying his number, get excited, anxious.., thinking of various options for his not-reachable mobile - his ship has sunk, his mobile fell inside sea, somebody attacked him & threw away his mobile!!! God God God! How many guys are like me? I really wonder if this is some sort of mental illness!
The above example is applicable to all applicables................................